Postponed dreams

When I was on my very first walk to work since my move to Frankfurt last week, I realized something. I looked at the river on my left and the skyscrapers on my right and I realized that this was just another dream come true. It might not be the biggest or brightest one in my oversized bag of dreams, but still it is something that has turned from a wish into reality.

When I was on job hunt after returning from Japan, Frankfurt was definitely number one on my list of cities I wanted to live in. Not that it’s particularly standing out from other big cities in Germany. But I had lived in the farther area before which meant that I still knew some people who lived there. And while it is far from being a metropolis, it seemed like an acceptable option for someone who had just returned from Tokyo. A lot of people say thatFrankfurt is a village that dresses like a big city – and I actually believe it’s true. But with a decent amount of tall buildings, business people who consider themselves the most important species on earth and an exciting variety of bars, cafes, clubs and shops you can at least pretend to be in a big city. Plus, after living with my parents for 2 months in the town I spent the first 2 decades of my life – which is literally in the middle of nowhere, a lovely, peaceful middle of nowhere I can usually only endure for a weekend – Frankfurt actually was my personal Tokyo.

I’d had a job interview in Frankfurt, but before a decision had been made I got offered my old job back and took it as it seemed like the best option at the time. I thought about the possibility to still move to Frankfurt and to commute for an hour minimum everyday, but quickly decided against it. So the dream of the big city went back into the bag, but it wasn’t forgotten. I still had my fair amount of Frankfurt during the past 2 years, especially when my sister lived here for a couple of months last year. It had always been clear to me that the job situation would only by a temporary solution and that one day I would look for another chance to find a place to work in Germany’s banking capital. But I didn’t even have to. My new job found me, an unexpected surprise I welcomed with open arms for different reasons.

So now – after 2 months of annoying train and bus rides to work which stole at least 3 hours of my time everyday – I have finally arrived. And I have probably been the most relaxed person in the world ever since. No more forcing my body to wake up at a time it still considers as night. No more time checking of every single move I’m making in order to not miss the bus. No more stalker guy. No more rushing at work in order to get the earlier train and no more killing time in the office because the next train only leaves in 30 minutes. Now it doesn’t matter anymore if I stay in bed for just 10 more minutes. I can take a relaxed 30 minute stroll by the river to work if I want to. Or I can take the train if I’m lazy or too tired because I stayed up too late. I have time to go out after work because I’m not a sleep-deprived zombie anymore and I can still catch a decent amount of sleep. I hope that I will be able to appreciate the time I won back. I’m having a lot of ideas in my head I want to pursue – and posting here more often is definitely ranking high on my list . I also can’t wait to explore this city. To actually lead a social life again which I have been shamelessly neglecting lately. I just can’t wait!

So as you see, sometimes it’s the little dreams that can make you happy. And sometimes you just have to wait for the right time. Some things need a while until they can be turned into reality. Sometimes they even do so by themselves. If they don’t, be sure to check that bag of dreams once in a while and see what happened over time. I actually had to postpone another dream of mine due to my move here: buying an electric guitar. I spent so much money on the move I can’t afford it right now. Instead, I dream about it frequently. When I close my eyes I can feel it in my hands, I can feel my fingers stroking the strings and I can hear the music I’m going to play. One day in the not so distant future I am going to own that electric guitar. It’s going to be red and shiny. Hell, I can’t wait for that day!

I have never… auditioned for a band

So, remember when I said in my last post that a big event was coming up for me? On Saturday that day had finally come, so I no longer can keep it a secret. I’d only told 3 people about it beforehand and I chose them wisely. Because I knew they would get it. Or at least they wouldn’t break out in laughter or give me that strange look that says: „Maybe you should see a doctor about this!“ Because when you’re dealing with a challenge and you get to the point where you just want to quit because you feel like everything you’re doing is just not good enough (and trust me, you will get there eventually), the last thing you need is people standing in your way. What you do need is people who encourage you and help you to stay focused on your strengths and your goals. And I’m lucky to have such people in my life, even if they’re rare!

But enough with the epilogue, here’s the story: A while ago I put up an ad on some music-related websites looking for people to start a band project of some sort. As I’ve mentioned here before I’ve been working on writing songs (or rather lyrics + melody) lately and in the process somehow started to work on my voice, too. I have always loved singing. I remember sitting in the kitchen when I was about 4 years old singing each and every song out of my beloved children’s songbook while my Mum was washing the dishes. I couldn’t read yet, but me and my Mum had gone through this book so many times that I knew all the songs by heart. Later I sang in the school choir (never liked it much though) and I discovered that singing depressing love songs actually made being lovesick a little less painful. When I lived in Japan Karaoke was my most favourite hobby, by far. I would have done it on a daily basis if I could have afforded it. My personal Karaoke record was 5 hours of straight singing with just one other person and it was one of the best nights of my life. So yeah, singing has always been something I’ve enjoyed and had a lot of fun with. So I thought looking for people who enjoy music as much as I do and want to create something together would be a fun thing to do.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get as many responses on my ad as I’d hoped for. And the ones I got weren’t exactly what I was looking for (electric Ukulele, anyone?). But then I received an e-mail that caught my attention. It was from a band who was looking for a new singer and they thought my ad sounded interesting. I called the guy who had sent me the message and we had a nice chat. He told me a little about the band and their plans. When the words studio, live gigs and video fell, I felt the need to set some things straight. I told him that I had never sang for a band before, that the only experience I had was made in Karaoke bars and my living room. There was silence for a split-second. But then he said it was ok. He said they would like me to join them for a rehearsal. So I said yes. When I hang up the phone I was excited. And terrified. So, so terrified! I hadn’t even hoped for an opportunity like this in my wildest dreams. But now that it was right in front of me, I suddenly wasn’t so sure anymore if it was really what I wanted.

In order to prepare for the rehearsal, the band sent me 2 songs of theirs they wanted me to sing. They sounded good. Loud guitars and a pounding bass, just the way I like it. They sounded like a proper band. How was I supposed to fit into this picture? And how was I supposed to learn these songs in just a couple of days while being on numerous business trips and having to deal with a move on the side? But this was not the time to ponder. I had to either leave it or jump right into it. This was a chance I wasn’t likely to get again anytime soon. I hadn’t lied about my abilites, so the band knew what they were getting into. And I had nothing to lose really. So I practiced whenever I had the time to. The songs weren’t that hard to sing, I had some trouble hitting the deep notes due to the songs being written for a male voice. But I managed to give the best I could. When I told my guitar teacher about it, he more or less forced me to sing one of the songs to him. So I did and he gave me some great hints.

When I was on my way to the rehearsal, I was pretty nervous. The band members seemed pretty nice though. We chatted for a bit and I told them again that this was my first time ever singing with a band. They didn’t seem to bother that much and started playing 2 new songs to me that were still missing the vocal parts. It sounded great! Like a mixture of Green Day and Blink 182. But man, it was loud! Then it was my turn. We started with the first song. I started to sing at the right time – but I couldn’t hear myself. So I stopped and told them. They turned down the guitar’s volume a bit and we tried again. I was able to hear myself a bit better now, but still it sounded pretty weak even when I was singing from the top of my lungs. We finished the whole song and decided to try the second one, too. In this one the guitar was a little less prominent, but still my voice couldn’t quite break through the sound wall the other instruments created. I knew that I didn’t stand a chance right from the first sound I had uttered. And so did the guys. They were friendly though, offered me a beer and told me how they had to think about all the people they had played with today. They also made clear that they had big plans and that it would be hard for a complete beginner like me to catch up with them. They asked me if I wanted to sing something a capella for them, so I sang one of my songs. I think they actually used this as a distraction for me to make their decision because when I was finished they told me that they had decided against me. I said that I’d totally understand and asked them if they could give me any tips how to continue from here. They were really helpful and even offered to put up a flyer for me in the building they were rehearsing because they knew there were some bands around who were just starting out and probably a better fit for my current skill level.

I can’t deny that I was a tad disappointed when I was sitting on the train home. I mean, I had been pretty realistic about my chances right from the start. But to hear it said right to your face is a whole other story. The old me would have quit now thinking that there wasn’t any point in continuing something I obviously lacked talent for. The current me doesn’t though. The current me just thinks that I will have to work really hard, as hard as I can and beyond. And that everything happens for a reason. I learned a lot that day. I know my weaknesses now. I met some cool guys with great musical talent I hope I’ll be able to see performing on stage some day. And above all: When I was standing there with the mic in hand singing from my heart, I was being me. The real me! And I definitely want to be that person more often. So, yay me!

!!!Attack!!!

Do you know that feeling when everything just seems to be a little too much? When you just want to dig a hole and disappear from the world to never come back? I have to admit that there have been quite a few situations over the past few weeks when I wanted to do exactly that. First of all, there’s my new job that’s been quite challenging lately.  And that’s exactly what I wanted when I took it. But when you’re new to a company that works totally different from what you’re used to, when you’re thrown into client work with noone really telling you what you’re supposed to do, there can be moments when you just want to throw your papers on the ground and lock yourself in the toilet to cry for a little while. At least, that’s how I felt. I actually did sit on the toilet with tears in my eyes once. Not because I was sad or desperate. Because I was furious about the situation. I hate being clueless more than anything in the world. It slows me down in my work and makes me vulnerable to mistakes. But I didn’t give up. I worked my way through it, I pretended to know everything when I actually didn’t at all – and now, after a few weeks, I see a lot clearer. It’s not perfect yet, but I’m sure I’ll get there. And what’s most important: I will grow through this experience. If someone throws you into the water, you have to swim. Move forward and don’t look back. That’s what I’m doing, even if the water is so cold that it hurts. There’s no way I’m drowning!

Then there’s my move that’s taken up a lot of my free time lately. I’ve been meeting my realtor, my new landlord, my old landlord, organising movers, packing boxes, throwing half my stuff out – and there’s still so much to do until I’ll finally move on the weekend. Even though my back already hurts like hell from rummaging around all evening, I know what I’m doing it for. I can’t wait until my new life finally begins. There’s going to be a lot more free time – which leads me to the next busy part of my life. It’s really funny how nothing seems to work right when I’m having a lot of time on my hands. And when I’m busy as hell, there’s suddenly a progress. One of my private projects (some people might actually call them dreams) has really taken a step forward lately. I’ve been waiting for this for quite a while, so I was overly excited when the progress came. Then I realized that there couldn’t have been a worse time. But the time is never right and when dreams knock on your door, you don’t just tell them to come back another time. Because they won’t. So I jumped right in. I was supposed to have a meeting this week which was postponed to next week – lucky me! I know I would’ve rocked it anyway. But for such an important event I definitely prefer a week  that doesn’t involve 2 business trips and a move on the side. I will definitely let you know how it went. When the time is right. Until then, I will leave you with some lyrics I wrote during that busy mess my life was over the past weeks. It’s what I learned from it all. Because everything happens for a reason. So think about it (and feel free to share your thoughts in the comments)!

Chase me and I’ll attack
Beat me and I’ll rise above
Destroy me and I’ll resurrect

I have never… written a song about a palm tree

Oh yes, it’s true! Another post. The second one in less than 3 days. I guess thinking and writing about creativity really gave me a boost!

So speaking of creativity – last Saturday night (right after publishing my last post) I had a funny idea which had to do with how I spent Friday night, so in order to not confuse you, I’m just gonna start right there. Last Friday was the night of VyRT the MARS laboratoy – an exclusive online event which was hosted by no other than my favourite band 30 Seconds to Mars. It was supposed to give us a unique insight into their studio and the work on their new album, among others. I had been excited about this ever since the event had been announced a couple of weeks ago. So imagine my disappointment when the evening went exactly the opposite of what I had imagined in my head.

It all started with my friend and fellow VyRTer getting lost several times on the way to my house. It usually doesn’t take longer than 45 minutes to get to where I live, but she was on the road for almost 2 hours. I tried to give her directions over the phone several times which was quite difficult not knowing her exact location. I was seriously worried that she would never make it to my place. Luckily, she did. And I have to admit that it was kind of funny. Hell, it could have happened to me, too. I’m a lousy driver. When we finally sat down in the living room with a cool beer and tons of snacks, there was only about 1 hour left until the show was about to start. I logged into the site. There was a black video screen loading. And loading. And still loading.

“Do you think it is supposed to be like this?”, I asked my friend, unsure what to make of it.
“I don’t know. Maybe we should check what people are saying on twitter or the boards”, she replied.
So we did. People said they were seeing a palm tree. All we saw was a black screen. It wasn’t working. We both took a deep breath.
“Let’s try it on your laptop”, I suggested.
So we did. But the Wi-Fi didn’t work for some reason. Neither did the LAN connection. I felt a slight feeling of panic rising.
“My TV has Wi-Fi as well. I’ve never used it, but it’s worth a try”, I said. We still had everything under control. There was still plenty of time to solve the problem.

Of course, the TV couldn’t get an internet connection as well. Of course, my hopes that the stream would work on my computer once the show had started were shattered. And of course, the phone connection was way too bad to watch the whole thing on our smartphones. We spent more than 3 hours trying to get it to work somehow. Hopes were coming up when we learnt that there were some technical issues and that the show had been momentarily interrupted. But when it came back on, we were still cut off. We almost freaked out when we finally got a picture of the palm tree. I can whole-heartedly say that I have never been this happy to see a fucking palm tree in my entire life. And never have I been so annoyed by one. Because it just wouldn’t go away, finally giving us a glimpse inside the lab. Because it was just standing there, not moving, like it was laughing about us silly kids going crazy in front of all the screens we had set up and that were still not working despite our endless efforts. The fucking palm tree was all I got to see that night.

And all I could think about the next day. The fucking palm tree that had actually made it to a World Wide Trending on Twitter. When I was sitting on my couch that night, still disappointed that I had missed out on all the fun, I suddenly found some lyrics in my head. “A fucking palm tree” it went to the melody of “The Kill”. I looked a little further and after 20 minutes I had written “The VyRT Palm Tree Song”. I couldn’t stop giggling about my silly idea all the way through writing. I texted my friend and asked her if  I should record it and post it on YouTube. She thought it was a great idea. So did I. Almost 24 hours after our epic VyRT fail the song went online and it has had more than 1.500 views in less than 2 days – which is insane because that’s more than my blog got in 5 months. Unfortunately, it got more dislikes than likes so far – but I’m still hopeful and once again I guess it’s only for those who understand .

And above all, there’s a lesson to be learned here: Frustrating situations can actually lead to creativity as well. They can be turned into something fun. It’s all what you make of it. So let’s bring on those crazy ideas, people!

And please don’t forget to check out the VyRT Palm Tree Song. And maybe even click the Like-Button.

Creating life

Last weekend was supposed to be a pure well of creativity for me. After a busy week with a heavy workload at the office and a business trip to Munich that left almost no room to work on my projects, I wanted those 2 days off to be all about productivity and advance. Despite all good intentions, I found myself sitting in my living room, miserable, annoying myself so much that I just wanted to close my eyes and hide under a blanket to never appear again. I had made a list of things I wanted to do that weekend, but I only ended up crossing off a few. And it took me forever to get started at all. I felt like something inside of me was holding me back, but I didn’t know what it was and how I could change it – until I dove back into my everyday life on Monday.

The train was pretty crowded that morning, so I squeezed myself into a corner and just watched people getting on and off and the landscape flying by outside. And suddenly, my creativity was flowing again. There were words flying around in my head like butterflies. I only had to grab them and form them into lyrics for the song I’d been stuck on.  It was amazing! And it made me realize again that creativity is absolutely nothing you can control or plan on. It will come to you when the time is right and there’s just no use in sitting around and waiting for it to come to you. No matter how much we’d like it to be that way, it’s not.

What is in our control though is to dive into situations that help putting ourrself into the right mindset. Which is exactly what I tried to do today. As I’ve mentioned before, my mind starts to move when my body moves. Being on a train, a plane or a bus, walking or running always makes my thoughts go for a wander. I pretty much always end up in interesting places, sometimes strange, sometimes even scary.  And I come back with something to work on, something worth to be further explored. So today didn’t seem to start off much better than last week. I had a weird night with not as much sleep as I’d wanted to get after another week of sleep deprivation. When I got up in the morning, I felt kinda energetic. I wanted to do something great. But after doing some tidying and lingering on the internet, I got really, really tired, so I put my deckchair on the terrace and took a nap in the sun. When I woke up again, it was already late afternoon and I still hadn’t done much. I could feel that familiar feeling of incredible discontent and annoyance crawling around somewhere deep inside of me. But this time I didn’t give in. I went for a walk instead.

It was a perfect spring day. Blue sky, the sun was shining and it was almost hot. I walked past fields and meadows, watched birds flying through the air, singing. I saw people walking their dogs or going for a run. I thought about a strange dream I’d had a couple of nights ago in which a friend of mine was drawing blood from my arm – as I said, there are strange places in my mind . I came to a crossroad and had to decide which way to go. I chose to walk into the woods which I usually never do on my own. I guess I’m a bit scared of walking around in the woods on my own, even though I know that there’s nothing to be scared of, really. It was nice walking past the trees looking out on the corn fields shining brightly in the sun. When I got home, I took out my little notebook and filled almost an entire page with ideas for lyrics and other stuff. I also came back with this post. So I guess what we all who want to create things need to do, is to live. Go out and experience the world. Open your eyes and take it all in. Then look inside your head and see what you can find. Sometimes it’s as easy as that .

“I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.”
Joseph Campbell