Monthly Archives: July 2012

Too much, too fast

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First of all: Sorry for the long silence. It was totally unintended. But I’ve been stuck in one hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride that I’m still trying to fight my way out of.

It all started 3 weeks ago when my colleague went on holiday and I was left all alone with our clients for the very first time. I knew it was my chance to shine. And I think I did quite well. But to be honest, it was tough! It wasn’t the amount of work that made it hard. I’m used to working lots and I don’t mind most of the time. I’m also good at multi-tasking and organizing myself. But this time I just felt like I wasn’t capable of organizing the chaos I was left in. Everytime I felt like I was finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, my clients were sure to give me some urgent tasks that had to be taken care of all at the same time. I can tell you, I was close to freaking out more than once. There were times when I wanted to lock myself in the toilet and never come out again. Or to scream into the phone and tell everybody to leave me alone. But of course, I didn’t. I went to work with my head up high and did my job with a smile on my face. And when I went home I screamed into my pillow until I was so tired all I could do was just lie on my bed and breathe.

But then there were those days when I was able to make some time for something I really love: music. I started to take singing lessons. It’s tough, too, because it feels like I’m starting from zero. But then I go home and sing – and everything sounds so much better than before. It’s amazing! I know it’s gonna be a long way full of hard work, but I’ll get there in the end. I’m sure I will. Then I went to see The All-American Rejects and Santigold live which were both amazing nights full of energy and emotions. And then there is this one thing I’m looking forward to the most, that I’m dreaming of when I should be working: band rehearsal. We are really at the start of something great here. I can feel it everytime I’m standing in front of the microphone and the guitar starts to play. And I’m lucky that I’ve found someone who feels the same, who shares the same vision and actually sees something in me that I don’t even see, yet.

These are the moments that I’m fighting for when everything seems to be moving too fast and there’s too much happening. It’s my rock in the river that keeps me from drowning. I do hope though that things will start to calm down a bit at work, so I can concentrate more on doing what I really love. It’s kinda funny how you think that things will get easier once you make a step forward, but instead they only get harder. But that’s just life, I guess. So all we can do is keep on fighting, right?

2012 halftime recap

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Wow, can you believe that half of 2012 is already over? Where the heck did the time go again? Personally, my last day of the first half of this year was pretty great. I spent it at my parents’ place. My sister just returned from 5 months in Spain and I hadn’t seen her since Easter. So we just enjoyed being reunited as a family, catching up on the things that have been going on in our lives. It was probably one of the hottest days of the year so far, with a clear blue sky and the sun burning down on us. In the evening, the sky was suddenly full of dark clouds and then the biggest hailstorm I have ever seen in my life came down. The streets were quickly covered with lots of big white hailstones. I was pretty happy we made it inside in time because I’m sure it would have hurt as hell to be outside in that crazy weather. I watched that natural spectacle from the window and I came to think that, just like the weather, life can change in the blink of an eye. From sunshine to rain (or hail) and back. And hinestly, that’s pretty much what my first life of 2012 has been like.

I started 2012 from a very low point. I was going through a dark valley of discontent and restlessness. I knew that I needed a change in my life, that I needed to find a new direction. At first, this change happened jobwise. I had been pretty unhappy with my job situation back then, so finding a new job without even really looking for it was a great relief. But still, I hadn’t really found what I was looking for – until one day I was lying sick on the couch and I found a song in my head. This quickly turned into a pretty big idea, so I secretly formed a plan that I’ve been following ever since. And it’s been working out pretty well. I’m at the start of something new and exciting – and over time I even found the courage to tell people about it. I know that some of them are quietly laughing about me, thinking I’ve gone crazy. But guess what: I don’t give a dam! Because in 2012 I’ve learnt not to hide my true self anymore. I am who I am and I have every right to be the person I want to be. And so does everybody else. Funnily, the people who seem to make fun of you the most are the ones who are unhappy with their lives themselves, but just don’t dare to make a change.

These changes in my life came with something else that I’ve been lacking for quite a long time. I’m finally having a social life again. I don’t really know why I never managed to make real friends back where I lived before. I think it was partly the circumstances of living on the outskirts of a smaller city where I had to take a bus to get to the city center and the commute to work that didn’t leave that much free time during the week. But I also think that I just got lazy after a while. I’m not a loner, but I do enjoy having time to myself, so I didn’t mind too much. It gave me a lot of time to breed over my ideas. The bad thing was that I was solely dreaming and thinking. Now I’m not just a dreamer anymore. I’m a dreamer and a doer! And I’m so glad I made this transformation. Because I love my new life! I feel that I’ve moved a huge step closer to my real self and I’m not scared to show it to others.

I’m really excited about the second half of 2012. It’s gonna be an amazing summer. I’ve got a couple of concerts lined up I wanna go to, I’ll be working my ass off in the rehearsal room and maybe I’ll even have time for some travels. And then we’ll see what happens from there. All I know is that I’m on the right path and I won’t let anyone or anything stop me from moving forward.

What about you? What have you planned for the rest of 2012? I’d love to hear about your plans!