Today is kind of a special day for me. One year ago today I went to a concert of a certain band. And I found the entrance to a whole new universe. Over the past year, I’ve tried to tell quite a lot of people what happened to me that night. How it affected the course that my life took from there. But most of the time all I got was strange looks or people pretending to understand when they clearly didn’t. But that’s ok. I guess only people who’ve experienced something similar do understand. And frankly, sometimes it’s even hard for me to understand what actually happened that night. Something in the music I heard, in the air we all breathed that night spoke to me. In a big way. And suddenly I could see clear. A lot of things in my life suddenly made sense and I knew what I had to do. I had to start to live life on my terms. Because that’s the only way to lead a happy and fulfilled life. And that’s what I did.
I also discovered a totally new side of music. It’s not like I didn’t listen to music properly before. But I discovered that music could actually by a mighty form of communication. A vehicle to transport ideas and beliefs. And that because of that, music could be so much more than just music. And that’s what it became for me. I discovered music as my very own way of expressing myself. My passion. And that’s probably one of the greatest things I have ever been able to discover in my life. In the past year, I went from the girl that secretly writes songs in her bedroom and is dreaming of turning them into something real with the help of other musicians to being the singer of something you could actually call a band. I’ve written 6 songs so far that we’re working on and while we’re still looking for other people to make us complete as a band, I am convinced that this is the start of something great and very special. This is more than just a band. For me, this is my reinvention and it, too, is way more than just music.
Looking back now I can’t help but feel like this has to be fate. I know that it was me who set my mind to this. But still. Over the past year, I’ve met so many great, amazing, inspiring people that are a part of my life now. It feels a little bit like living the dream. I’m so grateful for that. So thank you, 30 Seconds to Mars. And thank you to all the people that do understand.
So, I’m on holiday this week! Big yay! This is probably one of the most deserved holidays I’ve ever had. And I had my last holiday just 3 months ago. I feel like from the beginning of September I got sucked into this crazy work schedule and have tried to get out of it ever since. Don’t get me wrong, I can sure take some stress, pressure and a heavy workload. But if someone would’ve told me what was lying ahead of me at the time I probably would’ve run away screaming. Instead I hung in there hoping it would get better. But somehow it never really did, except for a couple of days in between which weren’t enough to take a breath. Sometimes I felt like the only option I had to get out of this was to either run away or break down. I did neither, but there were times when I felt like I wasn’t able to go on much longer. It’s amazing to see that I actually could. But to be honest, I don’t wanna do it again. And I hope that things will get better. At least a little bit.
What I hate the most about the past weeks is that I feel like I didn’t have any time to live at all. All I did was work, work, work and when I didn’t have to work on the weekends I was so tired that all I wanted was to sleep. My apartment turned into a dirty mess because I couldn’t be fucked to clean it up. I still made time to make music though and that is probably what saved me. It was something to look forward to, the only time I could feel connected to myself. I get miserable when I don’t have enough time to myself, time to be me. I can’t tell you how happy I am right now that at least for one week I’m getting a break from all this. I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas already. In my head it’s still the end of summer. But anyway, I’m gonna spend this week doing things just for myself. Of course, I’m gonna make as much music as I can. I’m gonna organise the chaos that still surrounds me at home. I’m gonna visit my sister for a couple of days and enjoy some quality time with her. And just live. As much as I can in those couple of days. And then it won’t be far until the Chrismas break.
To all those people who are also having to deal with live’s crazy ways, I hope you’re making sure to take a breath once in a while. Take care of yourselves!
Here’s a little something I wanted to share. An evening shot of Tokyo. Just because I’ve been missing Japan like crazy recently. This actually hasn’t happened in a while. It has been almost 3 years since I returned to Germany for good. And more than 2 years since I’ve last set foot in this beautiful country. And while I’m ok with being back in my home country, there are some things I do miss about that time. I miss the freedom I had there – even though it was probably the only time in my entire life that I had to worry about money, sort of. Of course, I didn’t actually have to worry since I just could’ve gone back home and my parents would’ve supported me no matter what. But I wanted to make it on my own – and I did. I also miss the sense of adventure that comes with living in a foreign country. All the things to explore and to discover. And of course, I also miss the food and the people. I really hope I’ll be able to go back there on a holiday in the not so distant future. My Japanese definitely is in need of a brush-up.
Oh and by the way, just right after I took this picture, I experienced my first ever earthquake. On the 52nd floor of Tokyo’s Mori tower. I’ll definitely never forget this day.
Last night I had the strangest dream. I was on a very, very high tower with a friend of mine. I’m not a very big fan of heights, so just being up there felt kinda scary. I have no idea how we got up there, but we were looking for a way to get down. There were only 2 ways: To jump or to use a very unsafe looking ladder that was attached to the outside of the tower and was hardly reachable from where we were standing. My friend said that she’d jumped from a height like that before. I asked if it didn’t hurt. She said, yes, but that it wasn’t too bad. So we stood up there, looking down all the way to the ground considering to jump. But I couldn’t get myself to do it. Then suddenly, we turned around and there was a normal looking staircase. There was a sign saying that it wasn’t permitted to use the staircase. But we did anyway. And that’s where my dream ended. Strange, huh!
When I woke up this morning I immediately remembered the dream and felt like it wanted to tell me something. That there had to be a meaning to it. And I still think so. I can’t remember my dreams that often. And most of the time it’s just a blurry mix-up that doesn’t really make sense. But this dream last night was so real. I could feel the fear. I could feel how hard it was to make a decision on which escape to take. And how relieved I was when we found the easy way down and how we didn’t care that we weren’t supposed to take it. So I spent all day today thinking about the meaning of this dream.
And I came to this: I exactly know what it relates to. Yesterday I found myself at a very low point. A result of stress, exhaustion, the feeling of being pushed into a role I don’t want to play anymore and a flaring cold which has been bugging me for the last days. In some ways, these days I’m feeling like I’m back to where I’ve been about a year ago. With the exception that now I know a lot clearer what I really want. And that I’ve found something that keeps me sane most of the time. I’m sorry that I have to speak somewhat in riddles here, but you never know who’s reading this. All I can say is that I don’t want to go on like this. And I can’t. I feel like I’m slowly suffocating and that’s a state I definitely won’t take much longer. So I need to look for a solution. Which is where the hard part begins. And probably what my dream relates to. I think what my dream – or my subconscious – was trying to tell me is something like: The forbidden path will be the right one. Or the right path is already there, but I have to be patient and take the fear for a little while longer to find it. Or maybe all of that. I don’t know. I guess I will ponder on this a while longer. Until I find the solution.
If you have any thoughts on this, let me know! And maybe listen to what your dreams are trying to tell you as well.
Today “Exploring Maybeland” celebrates its first anniversary! Can you believe it? On the one hand I feel like this year has gone by super fast. And on the other, so many amazing and crazy things have happened that it almost seems like a decade to me. I remember exactly how I felt when I wrote my first post in here. I knew that I was about to embark on an interesting journey. And this blog was supposed to document my adventures – for me and for others. And while I wish I would have written more and especially on a more regular basis, I feel like it worked quite well. By thinking things through that happen in my life and putting them down here, I feel that I’ve come to understand myself a lot better. I’m finally seeing why I feel certain things, why I am the way I am. It also gives me a clearer image of who I want to be. And this is something I can work on every single day. A year ago, I never thought my life would turn out the way it has. It’s become so much more fulfilling and that was exactly what I was looking for. It certainly has become more of a challenge, too, and again – this is what I had been looking for.
Of course, my blog would be nothing without you, my dear readers! I know I’ve said it before, but it still seems unbelievable to me that there are people out there who come to Maybeland on a regular basis. And I am so grateful for this! So THANK YOU! I’ve found so many other inspiring people and bloggers through this blog. And that’s amazing! I think that’s what blogging is truly about. It’s about connecting with other people. People you wouldn’t just be able to meet in the streets. It’s about getting inspiration from others and turning it into something productive. And that’s something I’d like to see increase in the 2nd year of Maybeland. I want this to be a place where people not only read, but share their experiences and discuss them. Don’t be shy! I will try my best to keep this place alive and interesting for you.
So here’s to year 1 in Maybeland. I can’t wait to see what year 2 has to offer. All I know is that it’s gonna continue to be an amazing journey!
First of all, I’m shamelessly late with this. And I can’t apologize enough for this. Especially to the wonderful Liz from Just be. Love all. Live life who nominated me for the One Lovely Blog Award. Wow, that’s my second award I’ve got from a fellow blogger. And while I still can’t quite believe that there are actually people out there who enjoy reading about my little adventures and musings I feel very, very honored and happy about this. Especially since it’s coming from a blogger who I admire a lot, not only for her writing skills, but for her strength, her unbelievable will to live the life she wants to live, to be herself and all the inspiration that comes with these stories. Go check out her blog. I’m sure you’ll be as amazed as I am. 🙂
Now that I have fulfilled 2 of the requirements for the blog award (post the logo on the blog and thank the blogger who nominated you), we can move on to the next: List seven things about yourself! Ok, so I’ve done this before which means I’ve got to pick some new random facts about myself. Let’s see…
- When I was living in Japan, I was seriously addicted to playing UFO catcher. You know, those machines full of shiny toys and stuff you definitely don’t need, but want to have because you want to prove to yourself that you can. Oh yes, how many times I proved that to myself. Thank God I had to return to Germany or I would have ended up broke sooner or later.
- Oh, and while we’re at it. I was once mistaken for a prostitute in Japan. I ended up with 300€ in cash and a 3-course-dinner in a fancy hotel without doing anything. True story! And also the end of it.
- Apparently, I am now at that age where all my friends from school are getting pregnant. It’s contageous. Help!
- I hate feet. Just hate them. And not only mine. All of them. I believe they’re the ugliest part of the human body and should better be covered all the time.
- When I was younger I was totally scared of flying on a plane. It was pure horror. Until I cured it with a flight to Australia. It’s just not possible to be scared for almost 24 hours straight.
- I hate cleaning. From my next raise I’m definitely gonna get a cleaning lady. And I’m not ashamed of that!
- Ok, this last one really is a secret. So shhhh! I’m having a crush on someone. It’s complicated. But so great at the same time! 🙂
Ok, now it’s time to nominate some other bloggers. Which like last time is actually a problem for me. Not that there aren’t any lovely blogs out there. It’s just that I’m not reading many of them. I feel kinda bad about that because I feel like I should read more blogs when at the same time I want people to come over here and read mine. But I just don’t have the time for it. But anyway, here are 3 blogs I’m reading on a regular basis and really enjoy.
- Sherbet and Sparkles
A girl from England blogging about life in Frankfurt. We actually got to know each other through our blogs and have been hanging out together. Pretty cool, huh!
- Moments of Mezz
This girl actually reminds me a lot of the early-twenties me. Trying to find a purpose and happiness in life. I guess she’s way further on her journey than I was at the time. So keep on doing your thing, Heather!
- German-American Abroad
As the title says, a German-American blogging about life in NYC. Since New York is one of my favourite cities in the world, I guess I’m living the dream through her stories.
So, what are you waiting for. Go check them out! Now!
Phew, usually when I come home after band rehearsal, I’m all excited and exploding with happiness. But not yesterday. We’re stuck once again. It’s a repeating pattern. We work on our songs, we get all excited and feel like we’ve created the hottest shit on earth. And then suddenly we realize that it’s totally not. The sound is not right. It’s too pop, too ordinary, too ‘been there before’. Realizing this sucks big time. Last night we were sitting around not really knowing what to do and where to start. It was frustrating. We knew what we wanted to change about our songs, but didn’t know how. We experimented a bit, but it didn’t really lead to anything. So we decided to call it a night. But before we left, each one of us took something home to work on. To really focus on instead of constantly working on 1000 things at a time. And guess what, today creativity was flowing again. Everyone is working on his own right now and I can only speak for myself, but I’ve had some epic ideas so far. They’re gonna need some more time to grow, but I can’t wait to share them with the others and see what they’ve come up with.
As frustrating this situation is right now, I believe it is necessary. We’re still a young band. We’re like babies exploring our environment. We still have to find ourselves and make up our mind about the way we want to sound. This is going to require some hard work and sweat. But I’m sure that if we hang in there and be patient, we’ll eventually get there. We’ve come so far already from where we started a couple of months ago. Failing is not an option!