The songs in my head

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About a year ago, I wrote my very first song. Just like that. Totally out of the blue. I had never done this before in my entire life. Not even thought about it. It was just there in my head. A fragment that needed to be explored and evolved. And so I did. It was basically done within a couple of hours (and that was probably the shortest amount of time I ever spent writing on a song). When I say “writing”, I don’t mean physically writing it down. My theoretical music knowledge goes back to when I was still in school and I’ve probably forgotten about most of it by now. So I’m not really capable of doing this. When I say “writing”, I mean thinking up a melody, lyrics, a story in my head. I usually carry a song around in my head for ages before I sing it out loud for the first time. It’s like I want to wait for it to sound beautiful before it gets born into this world. The good thing about this method is that I can work on my songs whenever, wherever I want without bothering anyone. When I’m walking outside, on the train, even at work when I’m needing a break.

Ever since that one decisive day I’ve been thinking about why this happened to me. Why I discovered this skill or passion or whatever you want to call it. And why at this particular time. I don’t have any answer to this really. Yes, I was searching for something bigger, something meaningful, something I wanted to dedicate my life to at the time. But I’ve felt this way many, many times before. Why didn’t it come to me earlier when it was inside of me all the time? The only answer I’m having is that it was meant to be. Right at this point in my life. And everything that has happened to me ever since then and that will happen to me in the future is meant to be in the same way. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really believe in fate in the sense that things just happen to you and you can’t do anything about it. What I do believe is that sometimes life throws things in front of you, unexpectedly, that have the potential to change everything. A chance to be taken – or not.

Right after I had written said song (which is appropiately called “The Awakening”) and come up with the idea of finding other people to make music with me, I was actually about to throw it right back in the gutter. Mainly because I was scared about the reactions from other people. I can’t tell you why I didn’t give up this time. I just felt the urge that I needed to go on. And I still do. It can’t be ignored. So I wrote song after song. I kept looking for people. I worked on my voice which – despite being far from brilliant – has grown so much this past year. Things still aren’t perfect. I actually feel like they’ve gotten way harder since I’ve started to put myself out there. But I think it’s meant to be this way. Because it makes you work harder, makes you fight for what you believe in. This Saturday we’re having a rehearsal with a full band setup again. It’s the second time and after the last one we ended up being just the 2 of us again. So a part of me is getting its hopes up again, thinking that maybe, maybe this might be the right people. Finally. The other part is prepared for disappointment. Either way – it’s meant to be.

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