Searching

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Searching

Now that things slowly seem to go off with the band (or so I hope), I’ve been thinking a lot about how I actually got here. Why I decided to do something I had never done before. Something I had never even thought, let alone dreamed of before. The answer is this: because I was searching for something. For a way to be myself. Truly, 100% myself. Because that’s exactly how I feel when I’m singing my songs. These are the moments when I feel completely connected with myself. At peace. I’ve found a way to express my thoughts and feelings (and there are A LOT) to the world. And that’s all what I was looking for. All this time.

There were times when I’d forgotten about all that, when that longing feeling was asleep inside of me. When I thought I could just lead a simple life with a safe job, go to work everyday and just do what I’m told and to be who others expect me to be. But then there were those times when I realized I wasn’t made for this kind of life. I ultimately ran away to Japan to escape from a life that was slowly suffocating me. I got a big step closer to understanding who I really am, who I want to be. But then I got back and after a while I found my life being the same old, same old. Maybe I didn’t have the strength to search for something different at the time. Maybe I just forgot about it. But that well-known feeling slowly kept creeping back into my heart. It got so strong that I wasn’t able to ignore it anymore. And I couldn’t be happier about it.

I mean there was a lot of fighting, energy, fear and desperation involved. It was a process that in the end rewarded me with an epiphany. One day, I just knew what I wanted to do. And that’s where the hard part started. In fact, I’m still in the middle of it. When I decided to commit myself to the idea of making music, I didn’t know what was waiting for me. But that was exactly the exciting thing about it. Never did I expect to find a person to share my dream with me. And never ever did I expect to fall in love with said person. I didn’t plan on those things. But when they happened I knew that was exactly the way things were supposed to happen. When I first had this idea, I had a vision of how things might be like one day. And so far I can say that everything pretty much turned out the way I wanted. Of course, there were hard times and pitfalls and setbacks. Plenty. But I think they were necessary to get to where we are now. Because they taught us things, they made us fight for our dream. And that’s how things will probably continue for a while. With every step we take.

I know I’m just at the beginning here. There are still too many situations in my life where I can’t show my true self. Where I’m pressed into some role I’m just too used to play. It’s like an automatism. There are times where I can take it. And there are times where it’s almost killing me to the point that I just want to give in and go back to the way it used to be. Of course, this is not gonna happen. I’m working on it. I haven’t completely figured out how just yet. But I’m working on it.

So I guess what I’m trying to say here is: If you ever get that strange longing feeling and you don’t know exactly you’re yearning for. Don’t ignore it! Accept it. Take it as a chance to explore what your life is really about, what YOU are really about. You owe it to yourself!

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2 responses »

  1. this is a beautiful, inspiring post! you go girl – keep listening to your soul and chasing your dreams! when we truly listen to that longing feeling, that yearning from within, the universe conspires to make it happen, i believe.

    all good things to you! peace. xo

  2. Thanks, Liz! Wishing the same to you! There really should be more people like us in this world. It would definitely be a happier place.

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