I wanted to go for a walk this afternoon when suddenly the sky turned all dark. I looked out of the window and saw nothing but deep black clouds hanging in the sky. Just minutes before the sun had been shedding its light into my living room. I grabbed a chair and sat down by the window. There was a roaring noise and then suddenly tiny bits of ice fell down covering everything in white. Hail! After a couple of minutes the hail turned into rain. And after some more minutes it stopped. The sky turned blue and the sun covered everything in warm light again. As if nothing had happened. When I sat there watching the spectacle enfolding in front of me, I couldn’t help but think what a beautiful metaphor it was for the situation I’m in right now.
Last week I found myself in the middle of a hailstorm. I don’t want to go too much into detail about what exactly happened. Not here, not yet. But I’ll tell you this much: I had to pull the emergency brake. I had to pull myself out right there or it would’ve crushed me. I’ve been suffering in a situation that was unbearable for me for way too long. For months and months, I told myself I could take just a little more, I could take just that one step forward. And then another one and another one. Until I’d completely lost myself, my life, my happiness and made suffering my normal state of being. I didn’t see it back then, not clearly at least. Of course, there were signs. Signs only I could see because I kept them to myself mostly and pretended I was ok. Maybe I thought if everyone thought I was ok, I would actually be ok. But I wasn’t. And admitting that to myself, admitting that I needed help and eventually getting it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.
I hate when I can’t live up to my own expectations and that of others. I know now that it’s totally ok. Failure does happen and this wasn’t even a failure. It just felt like one. One person can only take as much and I’ve carried my burden for way too long. Looking back I don’t even know how exactly I made it through. And making it all stop was the exact right thing to do. I can feel how I’m healing, little by little each day. I can breathe again. I can focus on things I’ve been neglecting for so long. I can focus on myself and what’s good for me. That’s what I’m doing this week. I’m getting some time to be me again. I hope it’s a start for a change. It doesn’t all depend on me, but chances are good that things will turn out the way I need them to be. I’ve been getting a lot of support from my awesome boyfriend, family and friends and I couldn’t be more grateful for that! I’m on my way to a new start.
And good news have already happened this week! I’ve recently started to contribute to an online news mag about festivals, bands and the likes as a volunteer writer. And yesterday, my very first article was published! I was so happy I danced around the room and that’s actually something I haven’t been doing in a long time. Even if you don’t speak German, take a look at it and think of this as my first step into a new direction. Thank you!