Last week something important and, in a way, life-changing happened. I’d been planning on this for quite a while. I’d always wanted to do it, but I never really had the guts. Or maybe I was just lacking inspiration to deal with it any further. Until Christmas, when the boyfriend surprised me with the most amazing and, for me, totally unexpected present of – a tattoo voucher. He knew how much I wanted to have one because I kept talking about it whenever I saw someone with permanent ink on their skin walking by. I was SO excited! I went to the website of the studio he’d picked to take a look at the works of their artists – and I immediately knew who I wanted to make my tattoo. There was a girl which had done really amazing work, not just the average tattoo you can find on so many other people, but something that looked unique and had a style that was exactly my taste. Check!
Next up I needed to find my design. I wanted to have a design that meand something to me. That reflects a piece of myself. I wanted a piece of art to stay with me forever, not just something I picked on a whim. For the longest time, I was thinking of getting a tiny tattoo on my wrist. Something along the lines of “Believe” or something. Because that’s what I am. A believer. But I could instantly name at least 3 people I know who have something like that. And I didn’t want to be one of them. Then, one day in March, I came across what I’d been looking for. A picture by Jason Byron Nelson that had always spoken to me whenever I saw it. A girl that’s holding a gun to her head and the blood that drips from her wound is morphing into butterflies flying away. I just wanted to have the blood (or something similar) and the butterflies. So badly. I found it reflected so many times I’ve gone through in my life. Which were tough. And painful. But in the end lead to something beautiful. In fact, I think it’s a great metaphor for life in general. There’s good times and there’s bad times. The latter leave their traces on us, but they can’t stop us from letting the former dominate.
So I found my piece of art and went to the studio to make an appointment. May 7th was the day I was supposed to get inked. And that day came quicker than I thought. Suddenly it was time to head to the studio. I was pretty nervous. Not so much about the pain, but about the way it was gonna turn out. Something that was going to stick with me forever. I think that’s definitely something to be a little nervous about. I was glad the boyfriend came with me. And even more glad that the tattoo artist turned out to be as amazing as I thought she would be. She really took the time to work out the design with me. After a while I had a tattoo drawn on my arm and was ready to get it inked. My dream of getting a small tattoo on my wrist turned out to be a colourful painting stretching from my lower arm to my upper arm in the end. It is also pretty different from the original. We just took it as an example and developed it into something really unique. And I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I always knew I wanted to have a tattoo to show a piece of myself. My view on life. I also wanted something to be noticed by people. But also something I could hide from those who shouldn’t see this side of me. And that’s exactly what I got. Just like the message of said painting, I had to go through 4,5 hours of pain which was sometimes more, sometimes less bearable. And in the end, something beautiful was born.
It took me quite a few days to realize that I’ve really done it. That this picture is now going to stick with me forever. I have to giggle everytime I look at it. I know some people think I’m crazy (either in a good or a bad way) because I picked a fairly big tattoo for a first-timer. But it’s perfect to me. It’s a dream come true and I couldn’t be happier about it. Just look at it!!!
Now that things slowly seem to go off with the band (or so I hope), I’ve been thinking a lot about how I actually got here. Why I decided to do something I had never done before. Something I had never even thought, let alone dreamed of before. The answer is this: because I was searching for something. For a way to be myself. Truly, 100% myself. Because that’s exactly how I feel when I’m singing my songs. These are the moments when I feel completely connected with myself. At peace. I’ve found a way to express my thoughts and feelings (and there are A LOT) to the world. And that’s all what I was looking for. All this time.
There were times when I’d forgotten about all that, when that longing feeling was asleep inside of me. When I thought I could just lead a simple life with a safe job, go to work everyday and just do what I’m told and to be who others expect me to be. But then there were those times when I realized I wasn’t made for this kind of life. I ultimately ran away to Japan to escape from a life that was slowly suffocating me. I got a big step closer to understanding who I really am, who I want to be. But then I got back and after a while I found my life being the same old, same old. Maybe I didn’t have the strength to search for something different at the time. Maybe I just forgot about it. But that well-known feeling slowly kept creeping back into my heart. It got so strong that I wasn’t able to ignore it anymore. And I couldn’t be happier about it.
I mean there was a lot of fighting, energy, fear and desperation involved. It was a process that in the end rewarded me with an epiphany. One day, I just knew what I wanted to do. And that’s where the hard part started. In fact, I’m still in the middle of it. When I decided to commit myself to the idea of making music, I didn’t know what was waiting for me. But that was exactly the exciting thing about it. Never did I expect to find a person to share my dream with me. And never ever did I expect to fall in love with said person. I didn’t plan on those things. But when they happened I knew that was exactly the way things were supposed to happen. When I first had this idea, I had a vision of how things might be like one day. And so far I can say that everything pretty much turned out the way I wanted. Of course, there were hard times and pitfalls and setbacks. Plenty. But I think they were necessary to get to where we are now. Because they taught us things, they made us fight for our dream. And that’s how things will probably continue for a while. With every step we take.
I know I’m just at the beginning here. There are still too many situations in my life where I can’t show my true self. Where I’m pressed into some role I’m just too used to play. It’s like an automatism. There are times where I can take it. And there are times where it’s almost killing me to the point that I just want to give in and go back to the way it used to be. Of course, this is not gonna happen. I’m working on it. I haven’t completely figured out how just yet. But I’m working on it.
So I guess what I’m trying to say here is: If you ever get that strange longing feeling and you don’t know exactly you’re yearning for. Don’t ignore it! Accept it. Take it as a chance to explore what your life is really about, what YOU are really about. You owe it to yourself!
Do you know these days you look back to full of content? Those kind of days you wish to experience over and over again? I’ve had a lot of mediocre days so far this year. Some awesome ones too, but one of those perfect days had still been missing in 2013. Until last Saturday. That was indeed a day that will end up as almost perfect in my book. It all started at the end of the week when I found out that a band I’ve been into lately was going to play an unplugged show at a fashion store here in Frankfurt. I’d already bought tickets for their show in April, so a free acoustic show was a good appetizer. I immediately texted my boyfriend to see if he was up for it. He was! And he had more great news: We were going to have a full band rehearsal on Saturday night! This couldn’t get much better.
And what can I say, it was a hell of a day. We went to bed early on Friday because the acoustic show was supposed to start at noon (which I have to admit is very early for me to be out of the house – or even out of bed, ahem – on a Saturday). Ok, I was also sleep-deprived and a little hungover because we’d been out on Thursday night. but anyway, we made it to the store in time and enjoyed the music squeezed in between racks full of stylish clothes. It was definitely a different kind of concert, no squeezing, no pushing. I think we dramatically raised the average age, too, but who cares. It was fun – that’s all the counts! After the set we did our weekly grocery shopping, then went home to bake a cake because we had invited my sister and her boyfriend over for Sunday afternoon. Then we already had to leave for the band rehearsal.
We’d already played with the bass player before and since he liked our music he offered to invite a drummer friend of his who was also looking for a band. Without a lot of talking we went down in our little cave and started playing. I can hardly describe the feeling I get when I hear my songs coming to life. It’s pure magic! And it totally changes the way I sing them when there isn’t just a single guitar accompanying me, but a full band. Those people are awesome musicians, they really had the ability to pick up the songs quickly and to add their own signature to it in a natural way. These people were really interested in the music, they were keen to work on our material unlike almost all the other people we’ve met up with before. I think we actually could’ve played with them the whole night through if me and my voice hadn’t been smashed after more than 3 hours. Smashed in a good way that is. This could actually be the next step. I’m trying not to get overly excited just yet, but this could be it. The future will tell.